


Start From Scratch

by Cephied_Variable



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-05-27
Updated: 2011-05-27
Packaged: 2017-10-19 20:02:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/204681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cephied_Variable/pseuds/Cephied_Variable
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So many centuries wasted searching for potential in my Alternian Troll girls. How could I - even in my omnipotence - have possibly envisioned you as the end result of my search? A pale, soft thing with dagger wit and steeled will?</p><p>A useless question, of course. I could and did envision it. I was merely being melodramatic for effect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Start From Scratch

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry for Scratch and Rosalonde's text here guys but but but
> 
>  _I am such a stickler for authenticity._

I am about to make a confession.  
TT: Oh? How privileged am I, once again the chosen ear for your cryptic murmurs.  
You may wish to brace yourself in advance. This one is rather candid.  
TT: What is the subject matter?  
Why, you of course.  
TT: Uh.  
I would inquire as to your hesitation however I have already anticipated your imminent response as well as your bitingly caustic yet still inexplicably adorable remarks regarding my selective hebephilia.  
At this point it would be prudent to assure you that my patronizing admiration for you is entirely platonic.  
TT: Somehow I fail to find such assurances comforting.  
Your perennial suspicion is simultaneously endearing and advantageous, my dear.  
TT: While it is well within my abilities to stringently ape tolerance of your unnerving doting, if you haven’t noticed I am more than a bit busy at the moment.  
Ah, yes! Your fruitless quest to deliver the tumor to its intended target!  
Please, Rose, that is a trivial and ultimately unsuccessful endeavour. You can and will spare a moment of your time to listen to me bare my metaphorical heart in all earnest sincerity.  
TT: Fruitless?  
TT: What do you mean fruitless?  
Here is the pause I anticipated.  
I meant fruitless in its most plain interpretation: simply, your intended goal will not be achieved.  
TT: You mean I fail?  
I meant only that it is irrelevant.  
Now please express your childish impatience and unfortunately mortal inability to see past your own linear perception so that I may remark on how even despite these traits your are exquisite.  
TT: No. No. Fuck you.  
TT: I’ve done everything you’ve asked of me. I deserve a straight answer for once!  
TT: What do you mean it’s irrelevant!?  
My dear Ms. Lalonde, this is what I adore about you.  
You are at once so demure and at times so vicious. A true spitfire, termed colloquially.  
So many centuries wasted searching for potential in my Alternian Troll girls. How could I - even in my omnipotence - have possibly envisioned you as the end result of my search? A pale, soft thing with dagger wit and steeled will?  
A useless question, of course. I could and did envision it. I was merely being melodramatic for effect.  
TT: You are not dissuading me of my notions. I feel some caustic remarks coming on and not one of them refers to you as resembling an ‘Uncle’.  
This is of no concern to me. Your vitriol is of precious stock despite its distressingly large quantity. Perhaps at the end of my current term of existence I have grown sentimental, but Rose Lalonde you have been for these past moments every star in my sky.  
This is metaphor, naturally. The stars have disappeared in paradox space. Nevertheless I have amused myself more than is wise observing your rise and fall. I regarded fondly your burning thin at both ends.  
What I would like to say to you is this: although you cannot meet the parameters of our ultimate objective, I have honestly appreciated the effort on your part.  
It was a pleasure working with you. Perhaps I will see you on the other side.  
I says “perhaps” only as a formality. I most certainly will.  
TT: Excuse me?  
Rose, do not be rude. Answer your brother.

  
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]   


TG: since i know once i let your flighty mouth start flapping i never get a word in edgewise  
TG: were gonna let me be the one to offer exposition for once  
TG: lalonde here is how its going down  
TG: youre gonna stay put in dreamworld singing eldritch lullabies to your million year old sugar daddy  
TG: while i lay down some excessively haunting ill beats that are gonna play their way across of the whole damn whole of existence  
TG: im carving out a real work of art here youd better fucking appreciate it  
TG: performing a fucking vivisection miracle here with surgeon precision  
TG: lots of old dead guys would be jealous at the symphony thats about to go down under my tender ministrations  
TG: but dont thank me just yet  
TG: actually on second thought thank me right now because im pretty sure in about ten minutes we wont remember any of this  
TT: I will most certainly not thank you. Dave, what you are doing is completely unwise, unwarranted and also, did I mention, particularly idiotic!  
TG: funny lalonde i was about to say the same thing to you  
TT: Causing the Scratch prematurely won’t solve any of our problems!  
TG: huh seems to me thats what this piece of shit mesa was put here to do  
TT: All you will succeed in doing is creating an entirely new set of problems for our next incarnations.  
TT: You do realize that if you do this before we’ve finished with Jade and Vantas’ plan we will all essentially die?  
TG: i had some time to think about this  
TG: ok yeah a lot of time to think about this and came to the conclusion i dont really give a shit  
TG: its all or nothing rose  
TG: if i do it this way at least we got a chance of all making it through alive  
TG: i let what was just about to go down hit the fan and we end this demented rpg negative one flighty broad  
TG: if this is what i have to do to keep us all alive im making a judgement call here  
TG: call it the first knightly thing ive done in this brilliant clusterfuck  
TG: arthur give me a medal im fucking galahad  
TG: you love that shit right  
TT: Dave, stop!  
TG: see you on the other side sis

Your name is ROSE LALONDE and you were unable to stop your friend DAVE STRIDER from causing the scratch.

There were, in fact, a good many things you were unable to do despite your many LOFTY ASPIRATIONS. Pride comes before the fall, goes the old cliche. You would fret more about your numerous failures had your the time.

You do not, however, have the time.

This is because you have presently CEASED TO EXIST.

___________________________________________________________

 **APRIL 13th, 2009**

  
truncatedTesseract [TT] began pestering turnaboutGlockhand [TG]   


TT: David, stop admiring your coquettish good looks in the mirror and come talk to me.  
TT: We have important things to discuss.  
TG: wow okay the way in which you know exactly what im doing pretty much every moment of the day stops being impressive the thousand and first fucking time you do it  
TG: like woo shit yes creepy space bitch head games every single day you gotta use the same opening line  
TG: it didnt win my heart the last three hundred times you did it it aint gonna work now  
TT: Regarding: your delusion that I harbour any sort of attraction for you whatsoever, I am torn between amused and disgusted.  
TG: pfft dont even deny  
TG: youve been on the dave harley train since day one  
TG: i can always tell when a girl digs me come on now  
TT: David have you even met a girl in your life?  
TT: For the purposes of this question, I do not count as a “girl” and neither does GG. Have you- in flesh and blood specifically- encountered a female member of the species?  
TG: babe why you always gotta blind me with semantics  
TG: . . .  
TG: fuck it rose you know ive never been off this island  
TT: Of course. It would not do for you to be out amongst the mundanes.  
TT: However, all of that is about to change today.  
TG: ooh are you coming for me prince charming  
TG: want me to braid my luscious locks in anticipation  
TT: … what?  
TG: jesus christ its a reference to rapunzel  
TG: that teacher of yours never read you a fairy tale in your life?  
TT: My mentor exposed me only to what culture he deemed intellectually salient.  
TG: thats the saddest fucking story  
TT: Not at all. He and I have very similar taste. I am thankful that he raised me to have artistic discretion.  
TG: whatever you say rose  
TG: but anyways back to me  
TT: Naturally.  
TG: seriously what the hell are you talking about  
TT: David, today we are going to play a game.  
TG: nuh uh no way  
TG: you know i dont play video games  
TT: You will play this one.  
TG: shit will i?  
TG: what makes you so certain  
TT: Because. It is destiny.  
TG: woooow  
TG: so convinced  
TT: And also, you will play it because if you don’t, John and Jade will die.

 

TG: _what_

Your name is ROSALONDE often shortened to ROSE. You do not have a surname because your mentor does not believe in keeping identities beyond vague and easily altered pseudonyms. You have a variety of interests which include CRYPTOZOOLOGY, HANDWRITING ANALYSIS, POLITICAL THEORY and STATISTICAL PROBABILITY. You enjoy games of all sorts. Your favourite games are BILLARDS or POOL, both of which your mentor has taught you are useful metaphors for human frailty.

Today you will be playing a video game with your friends DAVE HARLEY, JOHN n’ JADE EGBERT and KAHR STRIDER. This game is special and has some especially HIGH STAKES.

You have been training for it every day of your life.

  
guardianTrickster [GT] has begun pestering truncatedTesseract [TT]   


GT: rooooooooose!  
GT: rose rose rose  
GT: are you there rose?  
TT: Yes, John, I apologize for my apparently lethargic reply, but some of us are chained to the cruel mistress known as the ‘Shift’ key and require more than four seconds to affirm our presence.  
GT: nice ten dollar words there, rose.  
GT: maybe if you ate less dictionaries you’d type faster, haha.  
TT: Your suggestion, as always, is noted, however I must inform your that dictionaries are delicious and were I to cease their consumption, I would find myself in a dearth of synonym parched sorrow.  
GT: right there, rose, right there you just gave me ten more braincells. i am smarter for having read that.  
TT: Unlikely.  
GT: bluh, bluh.  
GT: anyways! jade and i have the game just like you said.  
GT: is dave installing it too?  
GT: man, he was really against the idea last time we talked. :(  
TT: No worries. I managed to... persuade him.  
GT: uh oh.  
GT: i always get nervous when you phrase things with lots of periods in the middle. it usually means you are up to something devious.  
GT: rooose, are you planning something?  
TT: I am always planning something. You will have to be more specific than that.  
GT: man, this is why kahr is always so freaked out when you try to talk to him. you don’t have to act like everything is a game you know, rose. you take things way too seriously.  
TT: I take things only as seriously as my mentor advises me to.  
TT: It isn’t my fault that you never understand my jokes.  
GT: man.  
GT: ):  
GT: your “mentor” is kinda creepy though.  
GT: isn’t he like a mobster or whatever?  
TT: Hardly!  
TT: He is a “consultant”.  
GT: yeah, but a consultant of what?  
TT: Hoo hoo hoo. Ha ha.  
GT: what?  
TT: No, see. John, that was a joke. I cited my mentor’s profession as something seemingly innocuous while also including a pair of “scare quotes” around the word in order to make it seem sinister.  
GT: . . . how is that a joke?  
TT: It was irony, John.  
GT: oh.  
GT: maybe in the future you should leave that to the striders, ha ha ha.  
GT: but i mean, good effort, right?  
TT: . . .  
TT: Right.

Your MENTOR has many names. He also has no names. You call him SIR as a matter of courtesy and nothing else. Occasionally in public you have been known to smile fakely at him and pretend that he is your UNCLE. Lately, his associates refer to him as the Scratch Doctor, the Foul Physician always with a ball-in-hand. The Doc that costs you the game - Doc Scratch. He is not actually a DOCTOR. This title is merely a nickname, facetious in it’s charitable implication of benevolence. You and the Good Doctor have had many places of residence, but no homes. Currently, you live in the top floor of an ABANDONED OBSERVATORY because you informed him that you wished to see what was coming with your own eyes. Your Mentor has been known to indulge any whim of yours that advances your education as well as your many other whims that he finds sufficiently “adorable”. Your friend Dave has more than once implied that your Mentor might be a PEDOPHILE. You have failed to explain that your mentor’s existence is too complicated a universal variable for such labels to be applicable.

Sometimes you do wonder, though. But only sometimes.

>THIS IS GETTING LABORIOUS, LET’S FAST FORWARD

Yes.

But first, let’s go backwards.

 

 **THREE MONTHS IN THE PAST**

 

 _“May I ask,” you wonder idly, tapping your sewing needles together absently as you pause to undo a bad stitch, “A question.”_

 _  
Rose, my dear, you are the single mortal being whom I would permit a hundred thousand questions, however I anticipate - even without the poignant moment of hesitation present in your tone - that this question is a particularly problematic one.   
_

_  
_You swallow thickly and loop the yarn over your needle once more. Knitting was never an activity you’d expected to excel at, your mind rarely satisfied by pursuits devoid of intellectual merit, however your Mentor insisted that your poorly sewn articles please him and predicted (accurately) that you would have a talent for it, “As always, you are correct Sir.”_   
_

_  
In fact, the question you are about to ask me is, I fear, the most inconvenient you could have chosen to ask at this moment.   
_

_“But you do not have to answer it unless I ask.”_

  
_Of course not._   


_“And if I ask you will tell me the truth.”_

  
_Our relationship has always worked as thus. Rose, that you would imply any difference in today’s interaction is disheartening._   


_“And yet you understand my reasoning.”_

  
_Naturally. But I have worked hard to inspire honesty within the confines of our relationship, as hypocritical as such unbridled truth may be in the face of our exterior interactions as well as disingenuous considering the nature of my omniscient existence._   


_“Yes, well,” you bite down on the words bitterly, “No matter how well you train me, Uncle, I will never possess true omniscience. I must paw ineptly at the table scraps of prescience you offer me.”_

  
_Rose, my darling, we have so little time left together. Please do not make this difficult._   


  
_Ask your question. I will answer with as much clarity as I can manage without compromising any future plans either you or I will or have already endeavored._   


_“Thank you.” you look pointedly at the carpet. This dwelling is not as finely furnished as your last, but it has all your most familiar comforts. Rich, green upholstery, your mentor’s books as well as yours, the antique pistol over the fireplace. The fireplace is an electric one this time around._

 _“Sir, what is the goal of the game Mrs. Egbert and David’s grandfather are making?”_

 _Your mentor has no discernible facial features without his vast collection of HUMAN MASKS, but you can feel a change in the air when he is pleased. A jolt of green lighting cracks to life at his wrist and he chuckles warmly before sliding a knuckle under your pale chin and gently lifting your face. You stare confidently into his blank face._

  
_The purpose of the game is to create a new universe._   


_You nod slowly in understanding. Of course._

  
_And your purpose, my dearest Rosalonde, is to destroy it all over again._   


 

 **FOUR HOURS IN THE FUTURE**

  
ghastlyGnostic [GG] has begun pestering truncatedTesseract [TT]   


GG: rose, we did it!!!! :B  
GG: john and i are inside the medium!  
TT: Excellent. Thank you for remembering to check in. I’ve been quite busy preparing on my end and am fairly certain that John would have forgotten.  
GG: lol i know, right.  
GG: he is so forgetful. D:GG: good thing we’re in here together!

  
guardianTrickster [GT] has joined the conversation!   


GT: uh hello, earth to jade. who’s talking here?  
GT: like you aren’t a total spacecase like 90% of the time too!  
TT: Yes, the two of you are inexorably entwined in a most charming manner.  
TT: I anticipate that the remainder of this conversation will be exhaustive on my end.  
GT: yeah whatever, rose.  
GT: you are always so “exhausted” but somehow you keep coming back to us!  
GG: shhhh, it’s because she secretly likes us!!!  
GT: i know, she’s so hot and cold but rose totally thinks we are the coolest of dudes.  
GG: it’s because she’s a total tsundere lol  
GT: oh man, jade, don’t use anime fanfic terms in front of rose! she won’t think we’re cool anymore!  
TT: Ahem.  
GT: ha ha, did you seriously just type yourself clearing your throat?  
GG: lol  
TT: Yes, well, not to interfere in the closed loop of intellectual synergy that is the twins Egbert, but we do have important matters at hand.  
GT: yeah about that! i meant to ask you  
GT: before she and dad disappeared, mom said that in a regular game session there would be only one person for each world.  
GT: but jade and i are sharing one.  
TT: This is a most unusual situation, I agree. It appears to bypass the parameters originally set out by Skaianet.  
TT: The only explanation I can think of is that the game has accounted for your genetic similarity as well as your emotional co-dependence and adjusted to suit your specific needs.  
GG: but when you think about  
GG: we actually are the only session of SBURB right?  
GG: since we’re the first to play and also earth is gone now  
GG: so actually this is normal. :B  
GT: oh man, right on jade.  
GT: i always said that you got the brains in the family.  
GG: ^________^;;  
TT: . . . either way.  
TT: Now that you are in, I will instruct David to continue building your house. Until he’s built it high enough, the two of you must procure appropriate weapons and do battle with the various imps populating the medium.  
GT: awesome!  
GG: D:  
GG: is dave okay!?  
GG: we haven’t heard from him in a little bit!  
GG: he said that the meteor heading for his house was the biggest one! :C  
TT: David is fine. He is merely... preoccupied at the moment.  
GT: yeah, doing what?  
TT: Arguing with his server player, it would seem.  
GT: oh no, rose, tell me you didn’t...  
TT: What choice had I? It was necessary that the two of you enter the medium first, and that I enter last.  
TT: There was simply no possible way to keep the two of them separated.  
GT: yeah but they hate each other!  
GT: i bet khar’s just gonna let dave die outta spite! :c  
GG: lol john  
GG: khar doesn’t really hate dave.  
GG: i know their ~*~secret~*~  
GG: they stay up late talking aaaallll the time  
GT: yeah because they hate each other and are arguing about stuff.  
GG: no way!  
GG: i think that really..........  
GG: they are in love!  
GT: jade real life is not one of your yaoi stories.  
GG: :B  
TT: Strider will undoubtedly come around. Whether the nature of his change of heart is romantic or not I cannot say. What I can say is that he should be contacting me shortly, likely to share his ever simmering and barely contained outrage with me.  
TT: In fact, I’d say he should be pestering me right about-  
TT: There we go.  
GT: ha ha, it’s almost cute how predictable he is.  
TT: Yes, John. “Cute”.

  
carcinogenGutwrench [CG] has begun pestering truncatedTesseract [TT]   


CG: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?  
CG: FIRST I AGREE TO PLAY YOUR STUPID FUCKING GAME  
CG: I HAVE LAID MYSELF PROSTRATE AT YOUR FEET, GENTLY LICKING THE SOLE OF YOUR STILETTO HEELS AS YOU FUCKING LACERATE ME WITH A CAT O’NINE TALES.  
CG: YOU GINGERLY PRESS A BOWL TO MY LIPS, FORCING ME TO DRINK LIKE A DOG.  
CG: WHAT’S IN THE BOWL?  
CG: IT’S YOUR PISS ROSALONDE.  
CG: AND I DRANK IT. AND WHAT DID I SAY AFTERWARD?  
CG: I FUCKING SAID “THANK YOU, M’AM.”  
CG: BUT THIS? THIS IS GODDAMN INTOLERABLE. I WENT DOWN TO THE TOLERANCE BANK AND I PULLED A GUN ON THEM. TOLD THEM “GIVE ME ALL YOUR FUCKING TOLERANCE OR THE PREGNANT BABY GETS IT” AND THEY TOLD ME  
CG: SORRY BRO  
CG: WE ARE ALL OUT OF TOLERANCE  
CG: EVEN WE CANNOT TOLERATE THE RAGING GULF OF SHIT KNOWN AS DAVE HARLEY.  
TT: I am very sorry that you feel that way, Strider, however it cannot be avoided.  
CG: FUCK THAT.  
CG: YOU TAKE HIM. I’LL GO LAST.  
TT: Not possible.  
CG: GONNA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW HOW THIS WILL END.  
CG: <http://i55.tinypic.com/2hs4314.png>  
TT: Are you implying that you plan to push David down a flight of stairs?  
TT: Because that would be a worrying prospect indeed considering the sheer number of stairs you are about to build.  
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD, YOU REALLY HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR.  
CG: IT’S A METAPHOR ROSALONDE.  
CG: . . . A METAPHOR ABOUT HOW I AM GOING TO PUSH HIM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.  
TT: If you don’t mind me asking, why exactly do you hold such contempt for David in particular?  
CG: HOW IS THIS NOT OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE?  
CG: JEFUS  
CG: . . .  
CG: JESUS.  
CG: EVERY BIT OF HIS EXISTENCE IS CONTEMPTIBLE FROM HIS ANTIQUE GUN COLLECTION TO HIS FAUX-HIPSTER FASHION SENSE TO HIS CAREFULLY CULTIVATED PRETTY BOY FACADE.  
CG: IT IS AND ENDLESS AND TERRIBLY IRONIC TRAGEDY THAT I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THE ROT AT THE CORE OF HIS SOUL.  
CG: SOMETIMES I HATE HIM SO MUCH I FEEL  
CG: AS IF I WERE  
CG: BORN TO HATE HIM  
TT: I see.  
CG: FUCK, WHY DID I SAY THAT.  
CG: WHY DO I ALWAYS SAY SHIT LIKE THAT TO YOU?  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
TT: Your secret is safe with me, Khar, however I would advise you that your dear friend Jade mentioned something along these lines to me already.  
TT: That is her estimation, you and David were “secretly” and very sincerely “in love”.  
CG: JADE CAN GO EAT A DICK.  
CG: TONIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GETHSEMANE THREE TIMES DOES SHE BETRAY ME.  
TT: She loves you too.  
CG: OKAY, WHATEVER.  
CG: I’M NOT SO MUCH OF A DOUCHE I’LL ABANDON HARLEY TO RE-ENACTING A 90’S DISASTER FILM ON HIS LITTLE ISLAND PARADISE.  
CG: I’LL DO IT. BUT ONLY BECAUSE JADE WOULD PROBABLY BE REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING IF I DIDN’T.  
TT: Of course. It’s not at all because maybe you possess some feelings of sympathy or comradeship. Maybe you are even... sentimental.  
CG: NEVER.  
CG: FUCK.  
TT: ?  
CG: I THINK I JUST HEARD MY BRO GET HOME.  
CG: I LOST MY GAME DISC A LITTLE WHILE BACK, I WAS HOPING TO STEAL HIS WITHOUT HIM NOTICING.  
CG: BRB GONNA GET MY ASS KICKED.

  
\-- carcinogenGutwrench [CG] has become an idle chum! --   


  


  
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has begun trolling truncatedTesseract [TT]   


GA: Although I Highly Doubt That You Will Heed My Counsel As It Appears That You Already Have Your Mind Made Up About A Great Many Things The Subject Of My Complaint Being One Of Them  
GA: I Would Caution You Please To At Least Consider My Request Fairly  
GA: As You Are About To Ruin Everything  
TT: Excuse me?  
GA: What You Are About To Do  
GA: Several Hours From Now  
GA: Don’t Do It

It is not necessarily that you think you know better than other people.

The thing is that you do know better.

You ignore the troll’s rather vague complaint. You know exactly what she is referring to, but she is right: your mind is already made up.

Your players are all in place. The KNIGHT AND WITCH OF LIGHT, the ROGUE OF TIME, the HEIR OF RAGE and, soon, the SEER OF SPACE. All at the right angles, the pockets unfettered. All you need now is the cue ball to set things in motion. It’s the perfect trick shot and you came up with most of it on your own.

Your mentor knew that you would and in fact, created the conditions under which you would.

But still.

He is so proud.

> DO WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DO

 

 **THREE HOURS IN THE FUTURE**

 _The light from the meteor bares down, weighted and searing, staining the entire room umber. Your Mentor’s arms remain crossed ever calm behind his back - calculated, impeccable, impenetrable - as the two of your watch Jade Egbert drop an alchemizer in the space where your telescope used to be. He is the one thing in the room not soaked orange. He is cast, instead, in the pale light of your kernelsprite. You look at him, your chin resting in the crook between thumb and forefinger._

 _“Now?”_

  
_Now._   


_The kernelsprite burns your palms when you touch it, but it is necessary. Eyes screwed shut from the intensity of the glare, you fling it towards your mentor._

 _The room fills with the crack of green thunder._

GA: Because You Understand  
GA: You Have Just Made Your Session Unwinnable  
GA: You Have Created An Unbeatable Boss


End file.
